I’ve been thinking lately. (Well, I usually try and always think, but this is more reflection I guess.) I was recently told by a college friend of mine. “I think I like you now more than in college.” I took this as a huge compliment. I spent a good part of my life trying to figure out where I belonged. I tried different styles, different kinds of friends, and I dated different kinds of men. It wasn’t until I met my husband though that things really started to come together for me. I was less itchy; more comfortable. The Hubs made me feel good about who I was, and challenge me to be a better person all at the same time. By the time Squishy came around I realized I had stopped itching completely, and felt amazingly comfortable just where I was. I love, love, being a wife.
With Hubs I finally was able to really be me, and to stop trying to fit it. I didn’t need to fit in, because I just fit. (And no I am not trying to say that Hubs is the definition of me – it is just that he helped me figured out where I wanted to be, and who I want to be.)
I am a woman who likes to cook, (well try to cook anyway), I like to start new projects (and finish some of them), I like to be goofy, and not worry about looking cool, and I am happy with that. I like that I still worry about looking cool. I love that my husband catches me doing that and does something goofy to make me laugh and I then want to be goofy too. I like to read books, and watch movies. I like to have someone to do that with. I like helping people. I like organizing events. I like being around children and listen as their little brains work. I like chocolate, tomatoes, steak, and mushrooms. I like my curly hair. I like that I know how to straighten it. I like that I can be me in most every situation. I like that I get nervous meeting new people, wondering if they will think I am ok. I like that I almost always remember that it will be okay if they don’t. I like that while I am loving who I am, I still question it every once in a while and get lost in my own head every now and again, and that is okay. (Hey, not everyone can be perfect!) I like that I am not perfect. I like even numbers, and I like when my husband teases me about them. There are so many more things; the list could go on and on. I’m not saying I am anywhere near having it all figured out – but I do have it figured out that I like where I am.
Then came Squish, and he answered a call deep within myself that I have always known. It was the call to be a mother. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. When my friends were dreaming of taking over fortune 500 companies, I was dreaming of being married, and having babies. I used to wonder in the back of my head, (well I guess sometimes it filled my head too) if I was going to be a good mom. If being a mom would live up to what I had imagined it to be. And while I realize I have only just begun that part of myself, I can honestly say it completely has blown my every imagination out of the water.
I LOVE, LOVE being a mom. I love that my husband and I created this amazing little person, and we are responsible for him for the next 18 years (yes I realize there will be times when I would rather not be responsible for him), but all kidding aside… This is the best job I have ever had. Even the hard days are better than some of my good days before. I am so thankful to have found Hubs, to have fallen head over heels in love with him, and created this wonderful son together. I hope we are blessed with other children that I can have this same joy with. I have finally come to a point in my life where I am completely comfortable with where I am. I love being a wife and a mom. I love staying at home to do it.
For now, I am happy with where I am. I think I have been blessed with the family I have. Not only my son and husband, but also for my extended family and his extended family. I have other things I want to do with my life. I would really like to teach someday. But for right now, I am REALLY enjoying being where I am.
This brings me to the one thing I am very excited and ready to work on. The realization that I loved where I was in life came with a flip side. I realized while I loved where I am, I didn’t fully love who I am. I have struggled with weight gain since moving to Las Vegas. I blame it on the lack of public transportation and not walking as much, but it is more than that. But the truth is I have always struggled with weight issues. It took me having Squishy to realize that as much as I love doing what I am doing, there will always be another side of me that is itching in my own skin. So I finally decided that it was time to change. If I can be happy with where I am in life, why can’t I be happy in my own skin?
So I joined Weight Watchers this weekend. I did it because I know I can have the best of both worlds. I know I can be happy in all areas of my life. And while I understand that everything in life has its ups and downs, I feel like I need to make a change so that I don’t transfer my body images onto my children. (Putting this out there – making it known to others means it is real, I can’t take it back now.) Change can only happen when you are ready to make it, and I know I am ready to do this. So wish me luck.
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