It’s the end of yet another exhausting day doing the single parenting thing while my husband is overseas for his job. The constant demands, playground interventions, tantrums, and all in everyday things that need to happen can be super draining. I have been thinking a lot about how I am not the parent that I dreamed of being. Recently my blog friend Hanan wrote on her blog about people not always having things together and how life on Facebook and Instagram are often far from what a persons daily existence is. That post stuck with me enough that I finally decided I wanted to write about the life behind my social media curtain.
Parenting two very young boys while my husband has been deployed for his job as an Aviation Defense Contractor has been anything but easy, and at times it felt as though I was going to completely crack under pressure. This deployment has been so much harder than anything I thought it would be. Partially because I now have two little boys to care for 24/7 without more than a few hours break here and there. Partially because my older son is at an age that involved daily limit testing, boundary pushing, and more meltdowns than I can count. Partially because my youngest son at 7 months old nurses like he is a newborn and is up at the minimum of 6 times a night. More recently because I have had issues sleeping at night again. Whatever the reason, this deployment has tested me as a mother in ways I wasn’t expecting, and made me realize that I can’t be the parent I dreamed of being.
I dreamed of being the perfect attachment parenting mom that would only feed her children organic meals, would never raise my voice – let alone yell at my child, and would settle tantrums with the perfect blend of reasoning, timeout, conversation, and hug sessions. I would wear my infant while cleaning my home, blog during naps, and spend the end of the days laughing outside while the sun set on another perfect stay at home mom day.
I would never be the mom in the class whose child was running around uncontrollably, and I certainly wouldn’t ever joke about selling my preschooler to the highest bidder for a few hours of peace and quiet. My home, while never perfect, would always be within 20 minutes of being “guest ready”, and the beds would be made daily. I would never use bribery to get good behavior.
And yet, the other day – a particularly challenging day where my son couldn’t seem to listen to save his life, split his brother’s lip open after playing and loving too aggressively, and making messes galore, I found myself at my wits end. I put my son in time out in his room for the umpteenth time picked up the phone and cried to my mother. I had progressed beyond frustrated to completely frazzled and had no idea how I was supposed to make it another 4 weeks without my husband to step in an offer relief at the end of the day.
The truth is this.
- My home is almost always 2-3 hours away from being “guest ready”, the beds are rarely made.
- My blogging is squeezed in during breakfast and after bed, because often times I need a nap or quiet time when the boys do. (Yet is is still done because I love it and need it.)
- My baby is up at all hours of the night often screaming, and my son is up at the crack of dawn with untold amounts of energy.
- K has watched more TV this deployment then I’d like. Sometimes I need just to be able to get things done and it provides 30 minutes of peace to pickup the house or even nurse the baby.
- K is at the age where he has opinions on things and he is going to let me know about them. His negotiations often turn into full blown meltdowns. The art of compromise is a lost art in his world.
- He also has seemed to lost his ability to hear me. I have yelled more this deployment than in the four years I have been a mom. (That hurts me to even type it.)
- I have yet to be on time to ONE single place or outing since my husband left, mostly because I am asking my son for the 20th time to please put on his shoes already.
In some ways that mommy meltdown really helped me to be a better parent by acknowledging I had to stop dreaming of the parent I wanted to be and start living as the parent I need to be. I have had to let go of all of my dreams of what being a parent would look like and simply hold on and pray to get through the day. Don’t get me wrong, the good times still out weigh the bad, and I would take a million bad days over never having the privilege to be my sons mom.
Being a parent is a privilege to me. While I am hoping to finish out this deployment without another massive mommy meltdown I have to start each day reminding myself that they will only be this little for so long. To hang on to the crazy ride while praying I remember to open my eyes long enough to remember how blessed I am.
I hate HATE yelling at my child, but it has happened and I can’t take those moments back. I can only hope to do better.
At the end of the day:
- My boys know they are loved.
- In between all the craziness, the baby gets worn and snuggled.
- I play an insane amount of cars and dinosaurs with my son, and we could start our own library with the amount of books we read.
- They get time and attention.
- They are insanely loved.
- The meals aren’t always organic, but they get made and are balanced.
- Bribes happen.
- Hugs are plentiful.
- There are more “I love you” s than tears.
- My house is still a mess, but it does get clean.
I am so far from the mom I thought I would be, but I am happy with the mom I am becoming. The moment my son was placed into my arms I knew that I would hold no higher job title then the title of mom. It was fine to dream about the mom I wanted to be, but the truth is no parent is perfect and it is through the experiences we are given that we become the parent we are meant to be. Don’t forget, no one’s life is what it seems like through Facebook and Instagram pictures. I know for me the pictures I share tend to be the ones that give me then energy to get through the rest of the day, put a smile on my face, and remind me how lucky I am to be a mom – even on the days I haven’t showered.
What does your REAL MOM look like?
Latest posts by Emily (Posts)
- Don’t Call It A Comeback - February 7, 2019
- The Little Prince at The Smith Center Las Vegas – Ticket Giveaway - January 31, 2017
- 3 Simple Ways To Add Color To Your Diet @SUBWAY @OfficialSubway - January 13, 2017
- Disney’s Moana in Dolby Cinema at AMC Movie Review - November 27, 2016
OH HOW I ADORE THIS POST.
you have no idea….
I’d bet more Moms can relate to this than will admit it. (((Hugs))) Momma! Theodore Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” As Moms, that’s all we can do sometimes.
Oh, and as a Mom who was raised by a yeller, I know I desperately don’t want to BE a yeller, but have also been the one to catch myself yelling a few times. I’ve found a lot of value in Proverbs 14:1, which says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” I remind myself continually that my children represent my house in this verse, and I can build them up or tear them down.
((Hugs)) mama. You are so not alone. My husband is here, but usually works late… and even with that occasional help, I often find myself in the same spot. I just wrote a post about a month ago about this–about how I yell far too much and how I’m working on that and working on being more present. It’s hard! And having TWO is a challenge – spreading your time, keeping them from fighting, never getting a break… your post actually made me a little teary because it hits so close to home. We’re all doing the best we can! Thanks for sharing <3
Being a parent is exhausting and requires so much sacrifice. I definitely relate!
Always honored to inspire others. Thank you for being so real with us. I think so many people are afraid to admit their failures, but it really helps us learn and grow! I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it. You’re an amazing mother, and the fact that you’re raising your sons the best you can, without help from your husband, is such a strength & inspiration to others, especially those of us that do have our husbands home each day. ((hugs))
I am so there with you! I am far from the perfect mom and am definitely not the mom I want to be. Raising kids is not easy, we can only do our best! Our kids are loved and nourished and I think that’s most important.
Hugs mama! I know it’s frustrating but you are a wonderful mom! Those kids are so happy! It’s definitely okay to let some things go.
I love this. People need to stop blogging and instagramming only their Hallmark card perfect moments, that’s not real life.
This is a wonderful post! My husband comes home every night and I still have more moments of yelling than I’d like, more tv watching than there should be, and moments of being at my wits end! Parenting is hard stuff–especially as you transition into life with two kiddos!! Hugs, mama!
LOVE love love this. It’s never how we imagined I would say, but it’s still wonderful. I am in awe of how you do it solo. My husband is never allowed to go anywhere. Ever. 😉
Dear Child of Mine: Your words are so powerful and true – every mom is in this place. Even if the beds are always made, each mom has goals of importance to her (or him – I know some guys who are in the mom role) and those goals never seem to be met! But then, one day, they are, and you are still mom, but in a new way. And you continue to be very proud of your kids, like I am of you. Well said, Love you always, MOM
Thanks for sharing. As someone that lives in a SM spotlight too I’ve always be pretty conscious of what I share. I do “keep it real” and family that visits my home can see the same as what I share online. I’m a pretty open person & a “take me or leave me” girl 100% of the time. It’s liberating for a mother to know who she is and know no one is a perfect parent all the time.
I think you are a great lady doing your best to be a great mom. You have a challenge with your hubs work situation & I truly look up to you and how you do it alone so much. I wish you guys all the best!
THANK YOU for putting this out there!!! It is so true!!! I was thinking the other day,,,,where o where are the joys of motherhood. Then the day ends and you miss them…or they do something that reminds you just how much you love them! Then there are the days when my hubby starts to talk about wanting a son and I look at him like I will legit lose my mind if I added another to the mix!! Hang in there…you are never alone!!!
I love this post.
I’m not sure that ANY mom is exactly the mother she thought she’d be. Do you know why? Children are people. With their own minds and OPINIONS! (I’m not sure who allowed that, but there it is.) Parents and kids have to act and react with one another. There’s no telling how that’s going to go.
Generally speaking, we (you and I and all of the other moms) ARE the kind of mom we set out to be. We know what we want for our kids: to be happy, healthy, well-rounded, GOOD people, and we ARE helping them to become those people.
So our houses aren’t spotless, we need naps and our kids sometimes drive us to drink, at the end of the day, as you said, there are more I love yous than tears.
That being said, it is always nice to start a new day with the goal of having more patience than the previous. Best of luck to you!
Oh, I just loved this post. I’ve been dealing with “letting go” of the “perfect” mom I just KNEW I’d be. Because as a full time working mom, wife and part time student…it becomes hard to balance everything. All you can do is your best. You’re doing a great job..I can’t imagine not having my husband around! (hugs)
Thank you Allie! Sharing that means a lot to me! I know you are doing a great job too especially with so much on your plate!
I am with you on this. I am not the mom I imagined 3 years ago while preggo with my first. A few months ago I admitted on my blog that I’ve been struggling with controlling my anger. Yelling and unexpected rage have broken and beaten me down more than I can express.
I can’t even imagine what it’s like with deployment on top of everything else. (hugs)
I wish I could give you a huge hug! I am so in awe of your honesty and all you share. Thank you!
Oh my, this is perfection. Love it. You’re a great mom 🙂
Thank you Kristi!
I LOVE, and have lived(!!!), this post! I am a military wife, and know all too well the demands of running everything solo.
Sending you hugs (& high 5’s for the courage to post this honest look at motherhood)!
Thank you Jeanae! I appreciate your support and sharing that you have been there too!
PS – Hugs right back!!
Sometimes I think those crying bouts are good for us because they release all that pent up frustration and stress. You can often see things with fresh eyes and clarity. You’re doing the best you can do and that’s better than good enough! 🙂
HUGS to you girl! Just reading about your schedule I was thinking, “How does she survive?” No one is ever the “Perfect parent” anyway, let alone in a very challenging situation.
For a little comic relief, when you talked about your dream of all the perfect things you’d do when you had kids, it reminded me of a Louis C.K. skit called “Why?”. He talks about the reality of raising kids and it’s really funny – there is a ton of swearing in it, so it’s definitely not for everybody, but if you ever have a moment to yourself and want to watch it you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4u2ZsoYWwJA&feature=player_detailpage&t=379
I love this Beeb! Thank you so much for sharing. As for surviving? Day by day right!
Love this! As a full time (55+ hrs a week) working mom I find it difficult to balance my emotions of being the only working provider for my family and the stress that that carries and the feeling of abandoning my children. I am for sure not the perfect mom, but I do believe that I am a damn good one. You can only be the best that you can be. You need to make sure you pat yourself on the back once in a while. You are doing great. Yelling is so necessary sometimes, wait till he gets a little older, the yelling gets louder. lol ! xo
You are a great mom! It’s amazing how different our lives are and yet we still have some of the same worries and fears. Thank you for the support! It is very appreciated! PS I love that I’m able to watch your children grow up via FB! They are gorgeous and smart!
OMGosh I am totally crying – this is sooo me! Thanks for such an honest post.
Danielle, I’m sorry you can relate. I know you are doing a wonderful job as a mommy and your children are very loved! <3
I am right there with you too!!! I had a mommy break down a couple of weeks ago and I cried to my mom over the phone too!! Sometimes we NEED to break, to be better as parents. You are doing a good job mama!! HUGS.
Thank you. It was so cathartic to have a good cry about it. I need to remember that is okay to be overwhelmed and crying helps clean the emotional slate.
I think you described my life but with two girls 7 and 4. I deal with attitude on e daily basis, drama, and crying over being told it is time to clean. We barely have gotten out of the house this summer because it just isn’t worth the fighting over the clothes, getting dressed, and brushing of hair. I can’t imagine not having my husband walk through the door at night to let me pee with out someone opening the door on me. I think you are an amazing woman and mother!
Thank you Cassie – gosh getting out of the house… We have skipped more things this summer for that exact reason. I finally gave up. You don’t want to get ready? Fine, don’t. It’s exhausting!
I LOVE this, Emily. This is how things go around my house, as well. Except the baby is an 8yo and your little guy would be my 13yo. More yelling than I want, but they’re kids and this is real life.
Thank you for sharing that Becca. While I’m weary it doesn’t get any easier, it’s good to know I’m not alone! 😉
This is so refreshing to read, I think some bloggers do try and portray a fabulous version of their life as a Mom because they want to put out the highlights of their day, but that gets read as what their life actually is.
I just wanted to send thanks for being honest. I’m not a Mom yet, but it’s good to hear about the challenges as well as the wonderful side of being a Mom,
Thank you Caz. I appreciate that. My life – while blessed and amazing – is so far from perfect. <3
I remember when my husband was deployed, we had just moved from CA. to Northern Va. I had nine month old twins, and a 3 year old, and the second week my husband was gone, we all got Rota virus. After multiple nights running from room to room cleaning up vomit, trying to decided which child needed me the most, I had a vision of driving off, changing my name and starting over. In that moment, no one could have consoled me, all of the “it will get better in time” just overwhelmed me and made me more frustrated, the only thing that made it better was having a neighbor watch my kids and going for a small run. Getting outside by myself was the only thing that worked for me. I was in crisis mode, and I am thinking, you and many other mom’s out there have felt the same way. Modern parenting is stressful and it chips away at your spirit if you don’t do something small for yourself everyday. I wrote this post in the aftermath of that time in my life: I hope it helps : http://www.runwiki.org/2009/06/14/framing-a-masterpiece/#.UgARcGTwJhw
Thank you for sharing this!! Is it bad that I cried reading your comment? You hit it right on the head – This too will pass, it will get better, enjoy it – they grow so quickly… It’s hard to hear when you are lost in the middle. I still have PTSD from when K got the stomach flu as a baby and my hubs was deployed. We both had it – it was awful. I seriously knew no one at the time who could help out. I ended up calling my neighbor and having him run to the store for us. I still am so grateful for that gesture. Thank you!! <3
This is so honest and heartfelt and REAL. Thank you thank you thank you for sharing! You sound like an amazing mom and your boys are so lucky to have so much love in their lives! <3
Thank you Dallas. Your kind words are very appreciated!
I think most moms can relate to you. I know my home is a mess most of the time, and I do yell at my son from time to time. Not often, but enough to make me feel ashamed of myself. Having an only child does make things easier for me, since he doesn’t have siblings to bicker with, etc. and he spends a lot of time reading (and yes, playing games and watching TV), and is old enough to do a lot of things for himself. I do know it’s tougher for moms with 2, 3 or more kids. You are a great mommy… hang in there!
Thank you Donna. If only there were more hours in the day!!
Your family is sacrificing so much for the sake of others – let me say thank you. And then let me tell you, I have a 17 year old and I am not single parenting, and my beds are rarely made.
I yell too much, my kids watch too much TV and my house is almost never clean. That said, I’m like you. My kids are loved, taken care of and fed. I think every mom has felt this at one point or another. ((HUGS))
I LOVE this post. I am definitely not the mom I thought I would be, but everyday I try more and more to become her.
Thank you SO much for this post! You are an amazing mom, and have been an inspiration to me! I cannot imagine doing this 24/7 without help. My husband is gone a minimum of 3 days a week with his job as a Department of Defense Contractor and that is hard enough! Like I said in my post about this, learning to let go of my idea of doing things “right” was a hard lesson, but one that leaves me so much more at peace. I hope you get a break soon to recharge, I know I could use one!
My husband has always been a frequent traveler and I so remember the days when my kids were smaller. There were times I just couldn’t cope on my own. The hardest lesson I learned was that I fail to ask for help when I need it. Or even accept help graciously when it is offered to me. I have learned to do both, although it is still uncomfortable.