Hey all. Guess who’s back? (Back Again)
(Sorry, I couldn’t help myself)
Yep! That would be me. A 37-year-old woman who thought for sure by now I’d have my shit together, but if anything, I feel less accomplished now than I did 10 years ago before I had my children.
Ack! Don’t get me wrong. My greatest accomplishments will always be my beautiful boys. I always dreamed of being a mom. I wouldn’t take it for granted for all the money in the world. In so very many ways, they are the only source of constant joy in my life.
(The boys at the VGKvsNSH game. While the Knights lost, my Knights had the time of their lives – mostly…)
What I mean is I had no idea that I’d want more while at the same time have NO IDEA what that means or how to achieve it. Just an internal discomfort that tells me something is missing.
I started this blog 9 years ago in an effort to keep my long-distance family and deployed husband informed on what our lives were like. I never dreamed it would turn into a source of income for my family. The problem is the more my blog grew, the less genuine I began to feel. Suddenly what brought me immense joy was just another deadline stacking up in my incredibly messy life.
So I ghosted you.
(Squirrel moment… if you haven’t watched YOU on Netflix yet… do it!! Penn Badgley is SOOO creepy in it. To the point where I fear he’s forever going to be typecast as the go-to creeper dude.)
I was afraid to share how terrible I was feeling internally. I didn’t know how to write my story, my life without it sounding too real, too fake, too braggart, to whiny. I was so worried what everyone else would be thinking that it consumed me and took the joy away from writing.
Now, don’t get it wrong – that is really just skimming the surface on what was going on behind the blog, behind the mask I put on for everyone around me, and behind the weight of hiding my sadness from anyone who would look too closely.
My anxiety was a key player in all of this, even before I knew what I was feeling was anxiety. Oh, and since I have now mentioned both in this post – My name is Emily and I have anxiety and depression.
(PS If you have been hiding these illnesses from others – saying it aloud to yourself can lift a huge weight.)*
I’ve struggled w depression & anxiety for 10 yrs. None harder than the past 2. Hope finally came when I started sharing w the fam & friends I hid it from for years. Today, after following #BeIlLetsTalk I’ve decided to open up online too. I’m not alone. You aren’t either.
— Emily Knight (@OurKnightLife) January 31, 2019
Which brings me to the title of this post. Don’t call it a comeback… I don’t know that it is yet. However, my desire to write is burning a little whole inside me. In fact, my phone is full of notes on article ideas and blog posts.
Let’s just hope my comeback doesn’t go the way of “Insert any cliché 90s celebrity here”.
*Real Life Disclosure
I am not a doctor, specialist, mentalist, or anything other than a woman, mom, wife, sister, and friend living with mental illness. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s also okay to ask for help. If you or anyone you know needs help please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 – this is available 24 hours a day. You can also go to their website and chat online any time of day. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Latest posts by Emily (Posts)
- Don’t Call It A Comeback - February 7, 2019
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- Disney’s Moana in Dolby Cinema at AMC Movie Review - November 27, 2016