Before I can start this post, I feel like I need to clarify one thing:
I believe strongly in the parenting philosophy of “Your child, Your choice.” I know spanking is a hot button topic, but this post is not about right or wrong. It is simply me sharing a choice I made as a mother, and a moment that changed that choice.
There are several things I said I would never as a parent.
Some were silly, and thoughts of a naive pre parenthood person.
As in: “I will not ever pick my own child’s nose.”
Yep, been there, done that.
Really, I would be blown away (bad pun) by a parent who can honestly tell me they have never done it.
When your infant is crying in pain, and they can’t blow out those boogies…
Or they have stuck something inside their nose…
Or you simply just can’t stand the sight of your child’s rogue booger anymore…
YOU PICK.
It happens.
I have picked my child’s nose.
And then there are other more important and serious parenting choices that we all make and talk about prior to our children being born. To be perfectly honest my hubs and I differed on this particular topic. But he was willing to defer to my personal preference in this parenting choice.
I did not want to spank my children as a method of discipline. I feel like only promotes aggression and violence. (*)
So for 2.5 years I have followed this belief that there are other methods of discipline that will get my point across.
That was until the day my son managed to get out of his stroller and walk into a busy parking lot.
Now, my back was turned when it happened. My sister in law was with us at the time, and said, “Squishy first and middle name!” “Stop!”
I turned around and saw him stepping into the parking lot, took a few swift steps, grabbed his arm and spanked him on the butt.
Immediately, Squishy looked up to me, eyes wide, and started to cry. Clearly I had surprised him.
Truthfully, I surprised myself. My son stepped into danger, and my first instinct was to spank him?
Granted, I have “hit” my son harder than that while playing with him. The spank I gave him that day very likely did not hurt at all. But it scared him. And it got the sense of danger point across to him.
Afterwards, I pulled him close, and got to a safe spot. I told him I loved him, but walking into parking lots was very dangerous.
We hugged, he wiped away his tears. I wiped my own tears away.
And as we walked away, back to the store, I think I was in shock.
I just spanked my son…
I just spanked my son without even blinking an eye first…
I just spanked my son in public…
This happened over a week ago now. I am still shocked that this was my reaction. And while I don’t feel that I did anything “wrong”, I am still shocked that my response my child stepping into danger was to scare him with a smack on his tush.
At my home, we do timeouts a lot. My son is 2.5, free-spirited, smart, and stubborn. I get down on his level for deep conversations countless times during the day. I have yelled and shouted before, but never hit.
I believe I got my point across, even when I didn’t know I was making a point. I doubt I will spank again, but I now will never say never.
Have you ever done anything with your child you never said you would do?
How would you have reacted in a similar situation?
(*) This is my opinion – it is not based in fact. I am not saying spanking your child is right or wrong.
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Don’t be so rough on yourself. I too said I’d never hit my kids, and I did hit them. Most of the time because of such an instance. You also reacted knowing he might remember next time to NOT wander off in a parking lot if you shocked him with a smack. I remember doing a swat for running into the street, for reaching for a hot pot (turn handles inward) anything where the swat was the less of the injury than the action. *hugs* my kids turned out ok, and they say they will never spank.. and daughter has spanked once too.
Beautiful and honest post.
I still haven’t really figured out how I feel about spanking my child, he’s only 6 months so I think I have awhile. He smiles when I say no though, which really frustrates me. I think I would react the same way though.
I picked my son’s nose just before heading down here.
However, I made it very clear to my wife when we had children. Nobody raises a hand to anybody else in this house. Til this day, my son is 5 and daughter 4, I have never spanked them across their bottoms or anyplace else. When I was young I got spanked and I still haven’t figured out the value in it. Our children are not stupid. We talk to them about the seriousness of what they did or take away the pleasures they enjoy when it’s time to punish. They understand that, it makes sense to them. We believe that works best.
Thanks for sharing Jeffery. I don’t think my son is stupid. My sister in law says it wasn’t even a spank, more like a swat, but since I have never done it before, and never wanted to do it, it caught me off guard that it happened.
Do not be so hard on yourself. You were trusting your mom instincts. And yes, I have picked my sons nose!
It’s very easy for someone with no children to make lists of things they will never do. I had tons of them before I had children. It’s also easy to make lists of things you’ll never do when you haven’t been presented with that instance. My kids are teenagers now and if swift pop on the butt to save him from danger is the worst thing you do, consider yourself a wonderful mom.
This is true. Lists are easy when you aren’t in the moment or reality of the situation. Thank you for your comment.
spanking. Yep, I was dead set against it, hubs was all for it. It made cooperative parenting difficult, and soon I found myself using spanking, because in certain situations, it did get the point across. Princess R has a hair pulling problem. Saying no didn’t work, getting mad didn’t work, spanking didn’t even work! Threatening a time out loosens her grip pretty well though. I find it’s all trial and error when getting the right consequence for the behavior.
It definitely takes trial and error. Glad you were able to find what works for your daughter! 🙂 Thanks for weighing in.
Honest well contrasted post. However, I think you did a great job in getting the point across to Squishy about behaviors that could be dangerous to him.
Thanks Tony.
Aww, this made me cry remembering the first time I smacked my daughter. It was similar situation, she was reaching for a candle and I just instinctively grabbed her hand and smacked it while yelling “hot”. Afterward I cried so hard my husband had to take her out of the room. She cried too of course, but she never even looked at a candle again.
I felt traumatized. Partially I thin it was just the fear that she would hurt herself, it made me crazy. Thats probably what happened to you. We spend so much energy and time keeping our kids safe, it frightens us when they put themselves in danger.
The important part is that he know how much you love him and when he grows up he will only remember all the times you kept him safe. He will never remember that smack, but he might remember the love you gave him after.
sniff sniff, now you made me cry!
Patti – Thank you so much for you comment. I am teary reading it. I think you hit on exactly what I was/am feeling. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story too.
Absolutely would`ve spanked in that same situation.
As for something I said I would never do was have a kid sleep with us. I have always felt my bed was my space, and when I got married it was going to be our space. My first son was colic, and apparently hated sleep. After about a week of 3 hrs of broken sleep a night, hubby and I were exhausted, and tired of walking. I laid down with him for a minute on the bed. I woke up in the morning still holding him, couldn`t move all my muscles were ceased. But from that moment on I decided he was sleeping with us. My hubby went to discuss, one look on my face told him this was not open for discussion, and all 3 of our boys slept with us babies.
I’ve been EXACTLY where you are! literally..the first time I spanked my son is when he wiggled his hand away from mine in a busy mall parking lot, looked at me with mischief in his eyes, laughed as he started to high tail across the parking lot. He was just over 2. I was 8 months pregnant. First instinct was to swat his butt once I caught him. I told him no, I told him to stop, he KNOWS it isn’t safe, but he defied me anyways. I swatted his butt, he was stunned and felt bad, and I felt bad about it..but he turns 4 in February, and he’s never once even thought about stepping foot into a parking lot or road without having someones hand. I believe it’s trial and error, and never say never lol 🙂
Unfortunately, research into this exact situation (spanking toddlers who run into the street) has shown that it often increases the behavior rather than decreases it.
Well, it’s been quite some time since this incident and we have had no further issues. Like I said – it was an automatic reaction, not a planned result. I don’t regret my choice. Not once did I advocate this behavior to be the right choice either.